Sanctuary for the AbusedSanctuary for the Abused
Articles and clickable links on verbal, emotional, mental, online and financial abuse - for family, friends and victims
PORN: COUNT THE COST By: Clay Allen Many men dre
PORN: COUNT THE COST By: Clay Allen Many men dream of owning a bigger home, a vacation home or even of the possibility of purchasing a second house as investment property. It?s a sad but astounding reality that the average financial cost incurred by a man involved in compulsive, secret sexual activity is the value of a house in his neighborhood ? it has cost him that dream, that piece of property! How is that possible? First, the obvious tangible cost: purchasing porn, strip clubs, prostitutes, legal and medical expenses, guilt spending, and possibly divorce or loss of employment costs. Those all add up over the years. But even more profound are the unseen costs: lack of productivity in your career, missed job opportunities, working in a job underneath your abilities, loss of creativity and energy. Then there?s the cost of chasing your fix or running away from consequences of your behavior. Financial immaturity plays a large role, as there is little focus on the wi...
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The Narcissist as Slanderer On their way through
The N arcissist as Slanderer On their way through life, narcissists leave a trail of trashed good names in their wake. This is a serious problem in the workplace, for narcissists often destroy the careers of their betters. Narc issistic managers and administrators often are serial bullies , who destroy the career and credibility of anyone who doesn't participate in a lynching and therefore is a threat to blow the whistle. Here are two PERFECT EXAMPLES: Click HERE and Click HERE The narcissist is a slanderer partly to get attention. (Notice that the finger-pointer in the picture above has his other hand raised to get attention.) But he is a slanderer mainly because he must be one to create his phony image. He makes himself look good by making others look bad. Yet narcissists are not the only people who create a false image of themselves. If you want to call it close, virtually everybody does, even that paragon of honesty, Prince Hamlet. In a world that s...
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Beyond Betrayal: Life after Infidelity by Frank Pit
Beyond Betrayal: Life after Infidelity by Fran k Pittman This is one of my favorite articles. Frank Pittman has been around a long time and is well respected in the professional community. Frank doesn't mince for words. Allow him to stimulate your thinking. So much of our thinking about affairs is influenced by the media which often in very subtle ways glamorizes the affair. Frank shoots a hole in that! ....Bob ACCIDENTAL INFIDELITY All affairs are not alike. The thousands of affairs I've seen seem to fall into four broad categories. Most first affairs are cases of accidental infidelity, unintended and uncharacteristic acts of carelessness that really did "just happen." Someone will get drunk, will get caught up in the moment, will just be having a bad day. It can happen to anyone, though some people are more accident prone than others, and some situations are accident zones. Many a young man has started his career as a philanderer quite accidentally when he is trav...
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SEXUAL ANOXERIA They suffer silently, consumed by
SEXUAL ANOXERIA They suffer silently, consumed by a dread of sexual pleasure and filled with fear and sexual self-doubt. They feel profoundly at odds with a culture that tirelessly promotes sex but is strangely unconscious about sexuality. It is not inhibited sexual desire they are experiencing, although often they possess a naiveté, an innocence, or even a prejudice against sex. It is not sexual dysfunction, although their suffering often wears the mask of physical problems that affect sex. It is not about being cold and unresponsive although that certainly is a way in which they protect themselves against the hurt. It is not about religious belief, although religious sexual oppression may have been a place to hide. It is not about guilt and shame, although those feelings are powerfully experienced. Nor is it about sexual betrayal or risk or rejection, although those are common themes. It is simply the emptiness of profound deprivation, a silent suffering called s...
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LIES ABUSERS TELL THEIR VICTIMS The following i
LIES ABUSERS TELL THEIR VICTIMS The following is a long list of lies, threats, and insane statements that abusers make in order to keep their victims in line, and in order to keep the blame away from themselves and the abuse cycle going. Note that many of the following do in fact happen -- threats of violence are often carried out, sometimes the police do come, and so on. Sometimes, lies do come true, for victims of abuse. You're just taking it wrong. I wouldn't hit you if you weren't so bad. We could make this relationship great if only you would work harder. You made me lie by not making it easy to tell the truth. I only lied to you because I knew you'd be hurt if you found out the truth. Your mother/sister/My wife won't give me this, and I/men need it. If you tell anyone about this, I will stop giving your mother her child support and you/she will be homeless and starving. If you tell, the police will come and take me away. This is normal in Europe -- I'm d...
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Mirror mirror ... CHANCES ARE YOU EITHER KNOW A NA
Mirror mirror ... CHANCES ARE YOU EITHER KNOW A NARCISSIST OR YOU ARE ONE By JOANNE RICHARD, TORONTO SUN You haven't even had your morning coffee and he's at it again -- building himself up and tearing you down, exaggerating his accomplishments and diminishing yours. He's an arrogant s.o.b. with an insatiable appetite for attention, admiration, affirmation and applause; his domineering demands, egotistical pursuit of self-gratification and malicious, rage-filled rants are making your life a living hell. Welcome to his vile web of narcissistic indulgence and inflated grandiosity ... and he's not alone. "It is my contention that narcissism is the mental epidemic of the 20th century," says Dr. Sam Vaknin, a self-admitted pathological narcissist who has authored a detailed, first-hand account entitled Malignant Self Love -- Narcissism Revisited. "Pathological narcissism is now considered to be at the heart of phenomena as diverse as corporate malfeasance, workpl...
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HOW PSYCHOPATHS VIEW THEIR WORLD Most psychopaths a
HOW PSYCHOPATHS VIEW THEIR WORLD Most psychopaths are very arrogant and cocky. However, when charming a potential victim, they say all the "right" things and make you believe they are kind-hearted souls; not always, but often enough. The truth is, psychopaths are not altruistic and do not really care about friendships or ties. Guggenbuhl-Craig states that they are very talented at appearing much more humble than the average person, but are hardly so. Some are also able to feign concern about the lower classes and profess that they are on the side of the underdog, the poor, and so forth. A psychopath may claim, for instance (if he's from a low socio-economic class), that he dislikes rich people intensely, but at the same time, he will inwardly yearn and envy what they have. He is like the narcissist, desiring to reflect a false image of himself through his possessions. Among his possessions are included human beings: girlfriends, wives, and children. Some psycho...
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Trauma & Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)What is trauma
Trauma & Post -traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)What is trauma?Trauma involves exposure to a catastrophic event usually of a life threatening or seriously physically threatening nature. Traumatic events include experiences such as having witnessed violence, having been a victim of crime or violence, having lived through a natural disaster, having been a combatant or civilian in a war zone, having witnessed or having been a victim of a severe accident.Most mental health professionals have expanded the definition of trauma to include betrayal trauma. Betrayal trauma occurs when the people or institutions we depend on for survival violate us in some way. An example of betrayal trust is childhood physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. Please see our page on Surviving Childhood Abuse for information regarding this topic.People who have encountered traumatic events experience their distress at different times after the event. Some people may have immediate reactions, whereas others may not h...
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