The Arizona Report - SatireThe Arizona Report - SatirePolitics, Humor, Satire, pure Hilarity... with a spin on National and Local Politics.
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Shadegg announces retirement as part of “truth or dare” game gone awry
2008-02-12 05:51:00 The old saying goes “its all fun and games until someone announces their retirement.” In this case, Arizona Congressman John Shadegg announced today that he will not seek re-election as the result of a miscalculation in a game of “truth or dare.”Shadegg attended the annual congressional slumber party where the members get together from all over to eat cookie dough, tell ghost stories, and make fun of precinct committee people. Last year, the Shadegg had fallen asleep early and woke up with a drawn on mustache and “I love Nancy Pelosi” written on his forehead in black sharpie ink.Eager to make up for last year’s embarrassment, the congressman drank several Mountain Dews and joined a group as they started a game of truth or dare. The game started off mild with members being dared to run around the chambers in their underwear and they all took turns doing their best Bush impressions.The game, however, took a turn for the worst when Shadegg was asked to answer a “truth... More About: Retirement , Game , Part
Bud Light Presents: Real Political Geniuses
2008-02-06 00:11:00 Bud Light Presents : Real Political Geniuses…Reeeeal Political Geeeeniusssesssss!Today, we salute you, Ms. Lead-Footed Governor…Ms. Lead-Footed Governor!While other people are always telling us to respect the speed limit and slow down, only you are asking us to speed up…Keep speedin’ for the kiddies!You say, “We don’t need to balance the budget, let’s just put hundreds of cameras out there and put the pedal to the metal…”Biiiiig Sisterrrrrrr is watchin’But we know that it’s not just because your budget is too big, it’s just that you have a need, a need for speed…Top Gun with Tom Cruise now!So crack open an Ice Cold Bud Light, oh queen of the power suit and power steering, and hope those voters don’t remember this when you run for Senate.Ms. Lead-Footed Governor! More About: Bud Light
McCain bandwagon experiences wind resistance
2008-01-31 18:27:00 Following impressive wins in New Hampshire, South Carolina, and Florida, Senator John McCain’s bandwagon has started to fill up quickly. With new supporters come additional volunteers, financial support, and enthusiasm. However, this building momentum also has its price: wind resistance.“Several months ago when there were campaign staff cutbacks, the bandwagon could hit top speeds of 60 or 65 miles per hour,” explained one campaign staffer, “Now, after these wins, we’re lucky to get this thing up to 15 miles per hour.”Leading up to next week’s “Super Tuesday,” McCain’s bandwagon has started to fill rapidly including former Presidential Candidate Rudy Giuliani and Governor of California Arnold Schwarzenegger. The former action star was asked to be seated because his large frame was causing additional wind drag.“This thing is running so heavy now that Giuliani and Arnold were able to just run up and hop right on,” said one of the bandwagon drivers, “You know ... More About: Wind , Experiences , Resistance
Thomas produces brochure to defend pamphlet
2008-01-17 23:29:00 Maricopa County Attorney Andrew Thomas announced the launch of a 55 page full color brochure today defending his much maligned 45 page color pamphlet titled “Road Map to Crime Prevention.” The original pamphlet has received criticism from the Maricopa County supervisors and others calling it self-serving and a misuse of public funds.“Many people think that I spend all of my time figuring out ways to get my name and face in front of people and that’s simply untrue,” explained Thomas, “It is my hope that this brochure will show you that I have a lot of other things that I do.”The new 55 page full color brochure will feature pictures of Thomas hunting, carving wood, reading books, weaving baskets, writing calligraphy and other activities in an attempt to prove that Thomas doesn’t spend all his time in the office working on self promotion. The glossy periodical will be titled “Don’t Be Mean to Andy – He’s a Good Guy.”“I don’t know what all the fuss is about... More About: Brochure
Drunken Sailors appalled at Napolitano’s State of the State Speech
2008-01-15 21:17:00 In her 6th State of the State Speech , Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano looked past Arizona’s looming billion dollar budget and focused on the future of the growing state. The Governor outlined five major areas including: education, economic development, public safety, transportation, and healthcare to focus on the future.The speech was met with some harsh criticism, some of the loudest coming from several drunken sailors who happened to catch the speech while in town on shore leave.“I’ve done me some crazy spending in my day,” slurred Pete Shuttlesworth, a grizzled sailor from a ship known as The Flying Carp, “And I can tell ye this. Her plans be too much in the face of such a large debt. This coming from a man who spent 50 gold pieces on this here tattoo.”Napolitano proposed a free in-state college education for all students with B averages or better starting in 2012, a plan that could cost several million to implement.“Don’t get me wrong, I loves me some spending,... More About: The State , Sailors
Readers confused by anti-sex and violence ad
2008-01-14 18:25:00 Members of the Parents Television Council were disappointed to learn that many readers are being confused by their advertisements featuring Pat Boone. The internet ads featuring the conservative performer are part of an overall effort to convince cable companies to allow viewers to pick the stations that come into their homes.“I think that the ad is supposed to be anti-sex and stuff, but look at ol’ Pat,” said Craig Thomas, a conservative blog reader, “He looks all tanned up and ready to party. All he needs is some chest hair and a few gold chains, and I would think that guy was ready to swing.”The Parents Television Council is attempting to argue that by bundling stations together in cable programming, they are being forced to fund shows that contain gratuitous amounts of sex and violence. They attempt to get their point across by putting the words “sex” and “violence” in bold, capitalized letters.“At first glance, I thought it was some sort of kinky ad,” said... More About: Readers , Violence , Anti
Broken New Years Resolutions
2008-01-10 21:34:00 The Arizona Report would like to wish everyone a Happy New Year! Every year, millions of people make resolutions to change for the upcoming year. Try as we might, most people don’t make it very long before these promises are broken. We here at the Arizona Report are proud to give you a list of the resolutions that your favorite politicians have already broken.Janet Napolitano – Get along with the LegislatureSenator Jack Harper – Stop picking crazy fightsRepresentative Russell Pearce – Get out of Congressional race gracefullyAttorney General Andrew Thomas – Tone down the shameless self promotionRepresentative Bill Konopnicki – Get car ready to drive around District 1Arizona Business Owners – Stop hiring illegal immigrantsAverage Arizona Citizen – Register to voteJohn McCain – Ponder retirementHillary Clinton – Show less emotionBarack Obama – Ride Iowa’s momentumRudy Giuliani – Talk about 9/11 lessMike Huckabee – Put less religious overtones in adsThe Ar... More About: Years , Broken , New Years , Resolutions
Rejected Campaign Slogans – John Edwards
2008-01-10 21:16:00 It is time for another special presidential edition of “Rejected Campaign Slogans.” From time to time, we’ll show you some of the rejected slogans that the candidates thought about using for their signs, buttons and other campaign materials. Today we are proud to feature the rejected slogans of former Vice Presidential nominee and Democratic Presidential Candidate, John Edwards .
Musically themed hole in ground planned for Eloy
2007-12-20 00:12:00 The people behind the Decades Music Theme Park have decided to shift their focus from a musically themed amusement park to a proposed 300-acre giant hole in the ground east of I-10 in Eloy, Arizona.“We figured as long as we are going to have our investors toss their money in a hole out in the middle of nowhere,” said theme park principal Martin West, “We might as well let other people join in on the fun.”The proposed pit will be the main focus of the park, appearing almost to be bottomless when people throw their money in. Other hole themed features are in the works, including a PA system playing tunes such as “Fixing a hole,” “Black hole sun,” and “There’s a hole in my bucket.” Courtney Love and her former band Hole are also slated to play the opening ceremonies.“Sure, we are going to have to take extra precautions to make sure Courtney Love doesn’t stumble and fall into the giant chasm,” explained principal Greg Sherman, “But this is the kind of thing... More About: Ground
Rejected Campaign Slogans - Mike Huckabee
2007-12-19 20:05:00 It is time for another round “Rejected Campaign Slogans.” From time to time, we’ll show you some of the rejected slogans that the candidates thought about using for their signs, buttons and other campaign materials. This week, we are proud to feature the rejected slogans of former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee and his bid for President of the United States.
Justice Department tells Hayworth they are “sorry” for any inconvenienc
2007-12-12 18:57:00 Former 6 term congressman JD Hayworth received a phone call from the Justice Department last week, informing him and his lawyers that they have decided against conducting a formal investigation into his connections to former lobbyist Jack Abramoff.“They told me that it was ‘their bad’ and they hoped there weren’t any hard feelings,” explained Hayworth on his daily radio show, “They also apologized for insinuating illegitimate connections between me and Abramoff and threatening an investigation.”In the wake of the Abramoff scandal, it was revealed that Hayworth had received contributions that could be tied to Abramoff and his partners. These connections and the threat of a pending investigation helped cast a shadow on Hayworth and boost the popularity of Democratic challenger Harry Mitchell who ultimately won the election.“They said that they were ‘sorry’ for any inconvenience they may have caused to my re-election effort,” said Hayworth, “And they offered me ... More About: Justice Department , Tells
Kyl disappointed that he doesn’t get to use actual whip
2007-12-07 20:51:00 Happiness gave way to disappointment as newly elected minority whip, Senator Jon Kyl, was informed that that his position doesn’t include wielding an actual whip. Upon hearing the news, Kyl threw his antique whip collection across his office.“I have been collecting all of these for nothing!” exclaimed Kyl, “It’s just a figure of speech? I wish someone would have told me.”As the second ranked Republican in the United States Senate, Kyl is now responsible for making sure that member’s votes are aligned with the will of Minority Leader Mitch McConnell – a job that Kyl now must do without the threat of corporal punishment.“How am I supposed to get these nutjobs to do what I want to without a threat of force,” questioned Kyl, “Plus, was planning on getting a few cracks in on the people who went behind my back during that whole immigration reform debacle.”Following rumors that he would be chosen to replace departing whip Senator Trent Lott, Kyl was seen regularly i... More About: Whip
Rejected Campaign Slogans – John McCain
2007-12-06 00:00:00 It is time for a special two part presidential celebration of “Rejected Campaign Slogans.” From time to time, we’ll show you some of the rejected slogans that the candidates thought about using for their signs, buttons and other campaign materials. As part 2 of our presidential spectacular, we are proud to feature the rejected slogans of Arizona Senator John McCain and his latest bid for President of the United States. More About: John McCain
Rejected Campaign Slogans – Barack Obama
2007-12-05 23:05:00 It is time for a special two part presidential celebration of “Rejected Campaign Slogans.” From time to time, we’ll show you some of the rejected slogans that the candidates thought about using for their signs, buttons and other campaign materials. As part 1 of our presidential spectacular, we are proud to feature the rejected slogans of Illinois Senator Barack Obama and his bid for President of the United States.
YouTube watchers get distracted from Republican Debate
2007-11-29 20:27:00 Tens of thousands of people from across the US tuned in to watch the Republican presidential candidates debate the issues such as healthcare, the war in Iraq, and the state of the economy. However, within minutes, the large majority of the audience found themselves distracted by the millions of videos that they found at their fingertips.“Every time I’m on YouTube, I always like to see what the top videos are,” said Craig Thompson, 35, “I felt like I was the last person to see the ‘Evolution of Dance’ video, so from then on, I always make sure I am hip with the times.”With thousands of new videos added every day, the YouTube sponsored Republican Debate was only a small amount of the content added to the site that day. Despite the added hype to the debate, the top video of the day remained a clip of belching bunnies used to introduce an upcoming video game.“I like those guys who do the dance on the treadmills,” explained Dana Greefield, 45, “Pretty much every time ... More About: Youtube
Rejected Campaign Slogans – David Schweikert
2007-11-26 22:16:00 It is time for another round “Rejected Campaign Slogans.” From time to time, we’ll show you some of the rejected slogans that the candidates thought about using for their signs, buttons and other campaign materials. This week, we are proud to feature the rejected slogans of former Maricopa County Treasurer David Schweikert in his bid for the Republican nomination for the Congressional District 5 seat.
Democratic Party moves in with Arizona Republic
2007-11-21 19:46:00 Relieved that their long standing secret relationship had finally been exposed, the Arizona Democratic Party announced their plans to move party headquarters down the street into the Arizona Republic building.The move will help both groups coordinate and streamline their efforts in creating a liberal bias in the media. While most of the operations will stay the same, the Republic has pledged to continue is coverage of Congressman Harry Mitchell at its current level and boost their efforts in covering Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords.To some of the Democratic operatives, the move is a welcomed homecoming. “It’s been a long time coming,” said Emily Bittner, communications director for the Arizona Democratic Party and former Arizona Republic reporter, “It feels like being home again.”While the relationship between the two organizations had long been rumored, the recent story in the East Valley Tribune appeared to finally bring the two groups out into the open.“It feels so g... More About: Moves
Rejected Campaign Slogans – Ron Paul
2007-11-19 19:42:00 It is time for another round “Rejected Campaign Slogans.” From time to time, we’ll show you some of the rejected slogans that the candidates thought about using for their signs, buttons and other campaign materials. This week, we are proud to feature the rejected slogans of Republican Presidential Candidate Ron Paul .
Unflattering picture stash full for next season’s campaigns
2007-11-14 21:14:00 Campaigns across America can breathe a sigh of relief. It has been reported that all of the quotas for ugly and unflattering pictures of opponents in upcoming campaigns have been filled.“We have more than enough ugly pictures to take us through the 2008 Presidential Election,” said a Republican consultant helping one of the Presidential candidates, “Hillary Clinton is a gold mine of nasty expressions, it’s almost like she can’t help herself.”Unflattering pictures are the staple of a hard hitting campaign flyers and commercials. Picture s of candidates doing mundane things tend to look much more sinister when they are presented in black and white or with ominous music in the background. Campaigns across Arizona are also reporting that their picture needs have been met.“You can never be too early with the ugly pictures,” explained on political insider, “I got this great one of Harry Mitchell with his eyes closed making a silly face. It will be solid for one of the Rep... More About: Full , Campaigns
Rejected Campaign Slogans – Bob Lord
2007-11-13 00:53:00 It is time for another round “Rejected Campaign Slogans.” From time to time, we’ll show you some of the rejected slogans that the candidates thought about using for their signs, buttons and other campaign materials. This week, we are proud to feature the rejected slogans of Democratic Challenger Bob Lord and his bid against incumbent Congressman John Shadegg for the Congressional District 3 seat.
Pima GOP hold cigar night to fight Republican stereotypes
2007-11-09 19:54:00 Members of the Pima County Republican Party Cigar Club met last night at a local cigar shop to talk with fellow Republicans and help fight the traditional stereotypes that surround the GOP. In the smoke-filtered front room of the cigar shop, the crowd of men held lively discussions that contained very little backslapping and only a few outbursts of uncontrolled laughter.“My friends, we need your help fighting the stereotypes that plague our party,” said Vic Williams, one of the event organizers, “Please keep your cigar chomping to a minimum and we recommend only ordering scotch that is younger than 15 years.”The group of participants that meet every 2nd Thursday of the month exchanged hushed gasps in response to the Scotch comment. However, the overall reaction of the crowd appeared to be positive. These gentlemen appear to want to help fight the stereotypes. One of the members was seen taking off his top-hat and placing his monocle in his pocket.“If you are going to make ... More About: Stereotypes , Fight , Night , Hold
Shadegg ponders Reagan tattoo
2007-11-07 21:33:00 Inspired by the commitment and buzz created by the formation of the Reagan 21, Congressman John Shadegg is thinking about taking his commitment to Ronald Reagan to the next level: permanent ink.“I’m thinking about getting a tat of Reagan’s face,” said Shadegg, “Nothing too outlandish, just the Gipper and with Reagan 21 motto of integrity, principle, and freedom next to it – maybe in Old English script.”Shadegg offered up the idea of getting matching tattoos to the rest of the members of the Reagan 21 organization. His suggestion was met with mixed reactions. “I don’t really believe in tattoos,” said fellow Arizona Congressman Jeff Flake, “Besides, it wouldn’t look good on my perfectly bronzed skin. Reagan, on a canvas like this? Please.”The design of the tattoo has yet to be finalized. Shadegg is said to be still shopping tattoo parlors and has asked several of his artistically inclined friends to sketch up some ideas.“People like Ronald Reagan. I like Ro... More About: Tattoo
Rejected Campaign Slogans – Bill Konopnicki
2007-11-06 01:09:00 It is time for another round “Rejected Campaign Slogans.” From time to time, we’ll show you some of the rejected slogans that the candidates thought about using for their signs, buttons and other campaign materials. This week, we are proud to feature the rejected slogans of Safford Republican Bill Konopnicki and his bid for Exploratory Committee for the Congressional District 1 seat.
Halloween costumes of your favorite politicians
2007-10-31 22:15:00 The Arizona Report would like to wish everyone a Happy Halloween . Politicians are just like the rest of us – they like to dress up in costumes, bob for apples, and give people tricks and treats. To celebrate the event, we are listing what some of your favorite politicians are going as for Halloween this year.George W. Bush – That guy who got shot by Dick CheneyRudy Giuliani – An American FlagJohn McCain – The “not dead yet” guy from Monty PythonRon Paul – A spray painted togaHillary Clinton – A flower childJohn Edwards – David CassidyBarrack Obama – Hillary ClintonJanet Napolitano – Senator Napolitano from the futureGabrielle Giffords – A large war chestAndrew Thomas – A reporter from the New TimesJD Hayworth – A giant version of his book, “Whatever It Takes”Harry Mitchell – A thank you note to the Arizona RepublicDavid Schweikert – David SchweikertRussell Pearce – A border fenceJoe Arpaio – Mayor McCheeseRandy Pullen – A new superhero: Chid... More About: Favorite , Costumes , Favor
Democrats not sure if they can blow a couple of trillion
2007-10-31 01:13:00 Since House Ways and Means Committee Chairman Charles Rangel unveiled his “Mother of All Reforms” tax bill last week, both sides of the aisle have been buzzing with discussion. On the Republican side, Representatives are bemoaning the impact the tax bill will have on middle income families, and how the rapid increases would all but erase the cuts implemented by President Bush.On the Democrat side, they are running out of ways to spend all that money. It has been reported that the bill could raise anywhere from a trillion to a sizeable $3.5 trillion over the next 10 years. Attempting to spend every penny of this large sum of money is proving to be a daunting task.“Let’s take my healthcare plan and double it,” suggested Presidential hopeful, Senator Hillary Clinton, “Double healthcare for everyone!”“Let’s give a couple hundred million for border enforcement,” said Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, “And let’s also give a couple hundred million to healthc... More About: Democrats , Couple , Rats
Rejected Campaign Slogans - Sydney Hay
2007-10-30 01:57:00 It is time for another round “Rejected Campaign Slogans.” From time to time, we’ll show you some of the rejected slogans that the candidates thought about using for their signs, buttons and other campaign materials. This week, we are proud to feature the rejected slogans of Sydney Hay and her bid for the Congressional District 1 seat. More About: Logan
“Pretend to get arrested” option has been added to Pearce fundraiser
2007-10-26 21:00:00 Maricopa County Attorney Andrew Thomas has been added to State Representative Russell Pearce ’s fundraising Gala Reception for his Congressional Exploratory committee. Thomas joins his colleague Sheriff Joe Arpaio and talk show personality Bruce Jacobs as part of the host committee for the fundraising event.Tickets for the gala dinner are going for $100 per person. For $200 per person, interested parties are invited for participate in the dinner and private photo reception. While tickets are selling fast, the real buzz came when they added the “Pretend to get arrested” and private mug shot reception for $300 per person.Hosted by Thomas and Arpaio, people who attend the “Pretend to get arrested” portion of fundraiser have the unique opportunity to get their mug shot and fingerprints taken, while the two make increasingly bizarre and intimate requests. The invitation boasts, “You too can feel like a small media mogul.”When asked about having Thomas and Arpaio at his fundr... More About: Fundraiser , Has Been
Thomas claims that he has never heard of the New Times
2007-10-25 23:22:00 In the midst of the controversy surrounding the arrests of two executives of the New Times newspaper, Maricopa County Attorney Andrew Thomas appears to be taking a page out of the book of Former United States Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales. Thomas now claims that he has never heard of the New Times and “cannot recall” the executives in question.New Times owners Michael Lacey and Jim Larkin were arrested on charges of revealing grand-jury information stemming from a sheriff’s investigation provoked by some critical stories written about Sheriff Arpaio. Thomas had hired a special prosecutor to investigate the newspaper who proceeded to ask for extensive records, website traffic, urine samples, and listings of favorite colors. They were also asked to list their favorite Sheriff Joe commemorative drinking glass.When questioned about the incident, the County Attorney said, “I’m sorry. What are you talking about? This is the first I have heard about this. Dennis Wilen-who? I... More About: Claims , Homa
Rejected Campaign Slogans – Rudy Giuliani
2007-10-25 20:22:00 It is time for another round “Rejected Campaign Slogans.” From time to time, (when we are not out of town – or crying from falling out of the BNN rankings), we’ll show you some of the rejected slogans that the candidates thought about using for their signs, buttons and other campaign materials. This week, we are proud to feature the rejected slogans of former Mayor of New York Rudy Giuliani and his bid for President.
Libertarians bummed at lack of outrage from Independents
More articles from this author:2007-10-19 20:35:00 Following the recent U.S. District Court ruling barring Independents from voting in Libertarian primaries, the Arizona Libertarian Party (ALP) braced for an onslaught of angry Independent voters. That barrage never came. Now, a few weeks later, the sense of defiance has turned to a feeling of regret.“I am not going to lie,” said Michael Kielsky, Chairman of the Arizona Libertarian Party, “I was a little bummed when the phone didn’t start ringing off the hook. I saw this as a way to tell some people about our libertarian principles, but no one seems to care.”“It sort of feels like we threw a party and nobody came,” lamented David B. Schlosser,ALP’s Secretary, “I thought we would have a wave of people changing their voter registration or calling us begging to allow them to vote in our primary. I even picked up the phone a few times to check the dial tone to make sure the thing was working.”According to the Secretary of State’s most recent voter counts, there are ... More About: Libertarians , Lack , Epen , Dependent 1, 2 |
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