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Three Pints of Guinness
2008-06-07 05:38:00
An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin, ordered three pints of Guinness and sat in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished them, he came back into the bar and ordered three more. The bartender asked him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."The Irishman replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."The bartender admitted that was a nice custom, and left it there. The Irishman became a regular in the bar and always drank the same way: he ordered three pints and drank them in turn.One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other regulars in the bar noticed and fell silent, as they figured that one of his brothers had passed away. When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender said, "I don...

Texan Farmer On Vacation
2008-06-06 12:18:00
A Texan farmer went to Australia for a vacation. There he met an Australian farmer and got talking to him. The Australian farmer showed off his big wheat field and the Texan said, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."Then they walked around the ranch a little, and the Australian showed off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately said, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cattle."The conversation had, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan saw a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked the Australian farmer, "And what are those?"The Australian farmer replied with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas, mate?"
More About: Vacation , Farmer

Survey From Heaven
2008-06-06 11:18:00
After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings. "Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked."I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it, a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions.""Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?""I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgement day if they do not stop this type of activity," replied St. Peter."That is an effective solution," God stated, "...
More About: Heaven , Survey , St Peter

Quick Laughs 8
2008-06-06 10:38:00
Husband : "Shall we change positions tonight?"Wife : "Well, of course. You can cook and wash the dishes, and I'll sit on the sofa and fart."----------------------------------- ----------------------------------------- --This blonde's house caught fire. She called the fire department and said, "Help Me, Help Me, my house is on fire."The fireman said, "How do I get there?"The blonde said, "DUHHH with the big red truck of course."--------------------------------- ----------------------------------------- -----Why did God give nipples to women?To make suckers out of man ...
More About: Blondes , Quick

President Clinton's Democrat Puppies
2008-06-06 09:45:00
President Clinton was out jogging one day, when he encountered a man with some puppies. Clinton asked the man what kind of puppies they were, and the man responded, "They're Democrat puppies, Mr. President."Clinton thought that was so great that the next day he brought the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asked the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they were, and the man responded, "They're Republican puppies."The president looked puzzled and said, "Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies."The man smiled and said, "Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!"
More About: President , President Clinton , Puppies

Contact Us
2008-06-06 08:56:00
Thank you for visiting The Joke Blog.My name is Yasmin. Here at The Joke Blog we attract a large number of, affluent, educated audience of jokers :)We do welcome your comments about our blog, as they would help us in identifying new areas of interest for future content.So if you have a joke to tell us, first hand experience, information or even photos, about an incredibly funny story that's not already here? Or maybe just to pen-down your thoughts about our blog. Feel free to do so by sending us a note either through an e-mail, or by using the contact form below. id = 4834;
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The Three-Hut Test
2008-06-06 06:48:00
There was this tribe and one of the tribesmen had committed a crime and death was the punishment. He went up to the leader of the tribe and said, "Look, I don't want to die, I'm young and I really have things going good before this. Is there anything I can do?"The tribe leader replied, "Well, yeah, there is the three-hut test if you want to take it. If you pass, you won't be put to death." So the guy eagerly said, "Sure, I'll do it. What do I have to do?"The leader replied, "There are 3 huts. In the first hut there is enough grog for an entire crew of a ship that would last for a week. If you go in there and drink all of it in 24 hours and come out alive you can go on to the second hut. In the second hut there is a lion that has an abysses on his tooth. It needs to be removed. If you can go in there and come out with the tooth you can go on to the last hut. In the last hut there is a woman who has never been satisfied in sex, if you can go in there and satisfy her, you will be f...
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African Custom
2008-05-21 16:18:00
A bloke walks into a nearby bar and after awhile decides to go to the john and sees a black man having a piss. He looks at his tackle and says, "Bugger me, look at the size of that knob, how'd you get a knob that big?""Well," says the black man, "I come from Africa and in my tribe it is a custom to tie a rock onto a piece of string and then tie a rock onto your knob, the bigger the knob, the greater your status in the tribe"."Wow!" the bloke said, and away he goes.A few weeks later he goes to the same bar, and in the john is the black guy again, "Hi there," he says, "I'm taking your advice and I've tied a brick to my knob to make it bigger"."Oh" says the black man "Is it working?"."Well," says the bloke, "It's starting to turn black!"
More About: Custom , African

Paying The Price
2008-05-19 12:36:00
A man is walking around New York with his wife. They find a perfume shop, the wife goes in, and he waits outside.A hooker comes along and says to him, "Like to come home with me, buddy?""For how much?" asks the man."One hundred dollars," the hooker answers."I'll give you five bucks," he replies.The hooker swears at him and walks away. A little later, the man's wife comes out of the shop and they continue their walk. As they round the corner, there stands the same hooker.She takes one look at the man and his wife and says, "HA! See what you get for five bucks?"
More About: Wife , Price , Hooker

Till Death Do Us Part
2008-05-17 07:48:00
An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, ever have sex again, as the strain would be too much.The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up."Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide.""I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"
More About: Death , Part

In Need Of Drawing Lessons
2008-05-14 20:58:00
The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke.He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening.It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business!
More About: Drawing , Lessons

Bad Guys Go To Heaven
2008-05-12 18:23:00
There's this pair of really bad guys. They have been pals their whole lives and together they have done some pretty rotten things. One night they're riding in a stolen convertible, when, all of a sudden, they cross paths with an eighteen-wheeler. One of them is killed instantly. The other hangs on for a few days but finally gives up to the ghost.He arrives in the hereafter and sees his buddy already surrounded by bottles of wine and beautiful women. Stunned but very happy, the second guy wanders over to his friend who's sitting in a big easy chair watching the babes stroll by and says, "Man, this is great! Did ya ever think we'd get into heaven?"His friend looks at him and sighs wearily, "This ain't Heaven ."The second guy says, "What d'ya mean, 'This ain't Heaven'? Look at all this wine. Look at all these women."His friend says, "You see the wine bottles everywhere? They all have holes at the bottom." He pauses to let this sink in, then he says, "And you see all these beaut...
More About: Guys

26 Reasons Why Alcohol Should Be Seved At Work
2008-05-09 06:51:00
Here's a a list of some really funny reasons why alcohol should be served at work, 26 to be exact. Feel free to add in your own "creative" reasons to the list, and I'm pretty sure there's lots more. So guy's ... it's time to get your drinks and put on your thinking caps on ... or more precisely, off ...1. It's an incentive to show up.2. It leads to more honest communications.3. It reduces complaints about low pay.4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.5. It reduces stress.6. It cuts down on time off because you are willing to work with a hangover.7. It encourages car pooling.8. It helps save on heating costs during winter.9. Increase job satisfaction, because if you have a bad job, you don't care.10. It makes your fellow employees look better.11. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.12. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.13. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked!14. It elim...
More About: Work , Alcohol , Reasons

An Attractive Woman At The Bar
2008-04-15 08:32:00
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy."Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands."Actually, no," he replied."Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair."I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble. "Is there anything I can do?""Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
More About: Toilet Paper , Woman , Attractive

Story of Marriage
2008-03-28 17:53:00
Some people say, the story of marriage is passe (no longer fashionable, out-of-date, etc), as some countries even see an astounding 60% of them end only in divorce. Maybe it's because most couples nowadays are just too busy trying to make ends meet, and not long after, find both their worlds comes crashing down.Good communication skills are vital in determining a happy marriage life together! (But you people know me better ...... "life need not always be that serious!" right?) Always add laughter into your lives, and surely no obstacle would be too hard to overcome :)Take this for example :Before Marriage He : Yes at last. It was so hard to wait.She : Do you want me to leave?He : No! Don't even think about it.She : Do you love me?He : Of course! Over and over!She : Have you ever cheated on me?He : No! Why are you even asking?She : Will you kiss me?He : Every chance I get.She : Will you hit me?He : Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!She : Can I trust you?He : Yes.She : Darl...
More About: Story , Before and After

Conditions For Marriage
2008-03-28 04:19:00
A beautiful princess from a European country visited a small Africa n nation on a sightseeing tour. The King , during a dinner in the princess' honour, out of the blue asked her to marry him. Naturally, the princess was quite taken aback. However, not wanting to cause a diplomatic ripple, she did not reject the king outright. So, she tried to think of a way to dissuade the king from wanting to marry her.After a few minutes, the princess said to the king, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want you to buy me a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara." The African king paused for a while. Then, he nodded his head and said, "No problem! I buy, I buy."Realizing her first condition was too easy, the princess said to the king, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The African king paused for a while. He took out his cellular phone and ca...
More About: Marriage , Princess , Conditions

Binding Contract For A Bar
2008-03-26 19:43:00
A man walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch please." The bartender hands him the drink and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the man replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this."A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." The bartender was surely not impressed by this, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink, but don't ever let me catch you in here again."The next day, the same guy walks into the bar. The bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" To which the bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."The ...
More About: Lawyer , Contract , Bartender

Local Parking Spot
2008-03-24 21:32:00
A policeman was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. Inside there was an older man in the driver's seat reading a magazine and a young girl in the back seat calmly chewing bubble gum. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, Officer?""What are you doing?" the policeman asked."What does it look like?" answered the man. "I'm reading this magazine."Pointing towards the young girl in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"The man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's chewing bubble gum."Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you?""I'm forty-five," he replied."And how old is she?" asked the officer.The man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."
More About: Parking , Spot , Girl , Local

Smart Chinese
2008-03-21 21:35:00
A smart Chinese guy arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and made love. When finished, the man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep dive under the bed, climbs out on the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and commences a repeat performance.The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter.When finished, the Chinese guy runs over to the window, takes a deep dive under the bed, climbs out on the other side, jumps back into the bed with the hooker and starts again.The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times.During the fifth encore, she decided to try it herself. So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed, ...... and finds four Chinese men!
More About: Smart , Hooker

Give Me Something That'll Get Me Up !
2008-03-17 17:05:00
An old man went in to see the doctor and said, "Doc, I'm turning eighty tomorrow. I've hired a hooker for the night, and I'd love to do it just one more time before I die. Can you give me something that'll get me up?"The doctor smiled. "I don't normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in your case I can make an exception for one night."Later that night, out of concern, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, "How's it going?""Fabulous." the old man said. "I've cum three times already, but my hand hurts like mad and my willy is all orange.""That's great," the doctor said, "The hooker must be astounded. But why would your hand hurt and your willy be orange?"There was a pause and then the doctor heard the old man say, "The hooker called to say that she couldn't come ...... and I have been spending the whole night watching adult video and eating Cheezels."
More About: Give , Doctor

Actual Call Center Conversations - Part II
2008-03-12 03:56:00
We're back with Part II as we journey the net to capture the funny side of 'Call Center s' and we take off from where we left off - Part I, actual Call Center conversations !There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'. Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!) : Operator : 'Mark Spencer, computer assistance; may I help you?'Caller : 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'Operator : 'What sort of trouble??' ...
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Laugh Therapy
2008-02-22 18:38:00
As I was surfing the net just the other day, I stumbled upon a site that had this video featuring an array of odd and offbeat stories. That's when I realised that in some countries, "Laugh Therapy ", is all part-and-parcel for reducing stress ... now that's what I call, the best medicine!
More About: Video , Funny

Actual Call Center Conversations - Part I
2008-02-20 12:35:00
Believe it or not, these are actual Call Center conversations recorded from various companies. I found them really amusing and thought it would be fun to share them with my readers as well.Customer : "I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?"Operator : "Where did you get that number from, Sir?"Customer : "It was on the door to the Travel Center"Operator : "Sir, they are our opening hours."An Electronics CompanyCaller : "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"Operator : "I'm sorry, Sir, I don't understand who you're talking about."Caller : "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide, it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"Operator : "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall."A Motoring ServiceCaller : "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia?"Operator : "Doesn't...
More About: Part , Call Center , Call Centre

Sardarji's War
2008-02-18 17:02:00
George Bush was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next, when his telephone rang ..."Hallo Mr Bush!" a heavily accented voice said, "This is Gurmukh from Phagwara District, Kapurthala, Punjab. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!""Well, Gurmukh," Bush replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?""Right now," said Gurmukh, after a moments calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbour Harjit, and the whole kabaddi team from the gurudwara. That makes eight of us."Bush paused. "I must tell you Gurmukh, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.""Arrey O, main kya ... ," said Gurmukh. "I'll have to ring you back!"Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again. "Mr. Bush, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara STD, the war is still on! We have managed to get more infantry equipment!""And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh," Bush asked."Well, we have two combines,...

Quick Laughs
2008-02-13 19:38:00
A minister passed a group of teenaged boys sitting on the church lawn. "Evening, boys. What are you doing?""Nothing much, Pastor," replied the one lad. "We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about his sex life.""Boys, boys, boys!" intoned the minister. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never thought about sex at all."The boys looked at each other and then said in unison, "You win, Pastor!"--------------------------------- ----------------------------------Two sweet old ladies were sitting in the park one afternoon, feeding the birds, when a big burly guy walked up, and sat down beside them on the bench. After a minute, one of the old lady's whispered to the other."Linda, this dirty bugger is masturbating right next to me!""Oh my lord! Well, let's just leave, Jane," her friend replied with disgust."I can't," said the other. "He's using my hand."----------------------------------- --------------------------------Two executives, Mark and Harry, staggered out of their co...
More About: Quick , Park , Subway , Priest

Wife Goes To The Doctor's Office
2008-02-10 06:27:00
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months. The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is. The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The doctor asks her what is wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband?"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay today, or what? 'So, I take an 'or what'.""Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'. I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'.""So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all ti...
More About: Office , Wife , Doctor

Gentleman In The Lavatory
2008-02-07 07:12:00
This gentleman was barely sitting down in the lavatory when he heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you?"He was not the type to start a conversation or fraternize in men's room at a rest stop but, something seemed to have got into him, so he answers, somewhat embarrassedly : "Not bad!"And the other guy said, "So, what's up with you?" What a question, the gentleman thought, but at that point, he was thinking this was too bizarre so he answered back, "I'm like you, just travelling east!"Then the guy said nervously, "Listen! I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!"
More About: Gentleman , Lavatory

The Blind Man And The Dirty Fork
2008-02-05 02:10:00
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook, Jane, happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man," he says. "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you," the owner replies. "I'll go get you a dirty fork." ...
More About: Dirty , Blind , Blind Man

British Battleship
2008-02-02 19:38:00
This guy at the watch mast of a pirate ship yelled excitedly, "Captain , a British battleship is coming our way!" The captain shouted at the cabin boy to bring him his red shirt, while at the same time mobilizing his men into fighting position. The fight was brief and the British battleship was repelled.A week later, the man at the watch mast yelled excitedly, "Captain, two British battleships are coming our way!" so the captain told the cabin boy to bring him his red shirt. The cabin boy asked, "Why do you have me bring you your red shirt before each battle?" The captain said, "So that when I get stabbed the men won't see me bleeding and stop fighting." The cabin boy said, "Good idea." So they won the battle.A month later the guy in the watch mast yelled, "Ten British battleships are coming our way!" The cabin boy said, "Red shirt again, captain?" The captain said, "No, brown pants this time."
More About: Jokes , Funny , Battleship

Retirement Home
2008-01-27 16:33:00
Mabeline, an elderly lady in a retirement home, was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the corners at maximum speed, pretending she was driving a Ferrari. The other residents tolerated her, and some actually joined in!One day, Mabeline was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and a male resident stepped out with his arm outstretched. "Stop!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Mabeline fished around in her handbag on her lap and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper which she held up to him. "OK" he said and she went on her way.After taking the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, another man stepped out in front of her and yelled, "Stop! Have you got a valid road tax for your vehicle, madam?" Mabeline dug into her handbag again and pulled out an old supermarket receipt which she held up to him and he allowed her to carry on.Going down the final corridor before the front door, a third resident stepped out in front of her. Thi...
More About: Jokes , Funny , Retirement , Home , Breathalyzer